belgianknifefight: (Default)
...fucking workaholic. I can't sleep because I have too much to do and too little time and I had to get online to tweak a spreadsheet at 2:00 in the fucking morning. I may sound like a grumps, but I feel better just knowing that it's that much closer to finished. Ffffffaaaaaccccckkkk.

I guess I'm still around? I don't know. *shrug* I don't know if I'm coming or going half the time. I need to get away. I took next Monday off because, goddamit, we're in the 90% zone for the eclipse and I want to go to a park and have a picnic and eat moonpies when it happens. Not exactly a vacation, but I'll take the day.

So...yeah. Hi. Imma try to sleep now since I'll probably be working a 10 hour day tomorrow.
belgianknifefight: (Default)
I take a week of vacation every July, and every July I use this week to regroup. I make no concrete plans, I do what I want, when I want, and only give my time to a select few people (if I want). It's always nice.

This year is especially nice because with the 4th being a paid holiday, using 5 days of vacation gives me 10 days off - and having come from a dramatic week of shenanigans at work, it's all the more glorious to be removed from it for an extra day.

I am using this week to give myself a little TLC - I have to get some lab work done and will probably end up with a new prescription; but cancer stuff aside, I have noticed the past month I have had more energy - and more energy means being able to do more, and being able to do more means returning to regular workouts and being able to create a routine. I have to have a routine of some kind (even if it is as simple as just working out 20 minutes a day). The illness so far has not really let me do that - it's been more like, "try this and hope you don't need 2 days to recover/function enough to get through a work day." June was the first month that I didn't have to use a single hour of sick time in a year. This is definitely feeling good.

On the physical side of my health - for the past few weeks I have been easing back into vegetarianism (my sister has been vegan for a year now, and we eat a lot of vegan meals, but I can't give up cheese). Weirdly, I can drink coffee again but tea makes me feel off - I have been trying a variety of teas to see if I can find at least "the one" that I can stand the taste of - it is just the weirdest damn thing. Before, I could drink any kind of tea and love it. I had mad love for oolongs, green teas, white teas - all the teas! Now it's like everything tastes like ass. :( Same with seafood. I used to be able to eat any kind of fish (no shellfish) - and now even thinking about it makes me feel wrong. The only thing I still eat is poultry - and will probably be giving that up this month. I want to get back into lifting/bodybuilding (until I build up enough endurance to get back into cycling), and have some good vegetarian recipes to ensure I don't need protein supplements.

My mental game is getting better day-by-day. I have good days and bad days, but have been able to pin- point certain triggers that seem to send me on a downward spiral. Interestingly, I seem to feel a lot better if I don't watch much television. And by much I mean not trying to keep up with the 1.8 million shows that are on or being advertised - and absolutely no more bingeing. I am patiently waiting for Game of Thrones, and other than that, rewatching Battlestar Galactica for the summer. *shrug*

I have 2 books on the vacation reading list - Paula Hawkins' Into the Water and Dark Matter by Blake Crouch. I may try to make it to see a movie (probably Wonderwoman) at some point, too.

Ahh...nine more days of whatever could not have come at a better time. :)
belgianknifefight: (Default)
I was wondering if/when I would eventually snap - I was rolling along in a pretty decent state for a good chunk of time there it seems pretty silly to think I could handle much more and be able to keep my happy face on about a certain topic.

In order to "live my truth" or "do me," I really need, for my own sanity, to come out of the closet on something - I am kind of an asshole. It's time to fess up about the kind of asshole I am - not the kind that cuts you off in traffic like I got my license from the Stevie Wonder School for Road Safety, or that bitch gabbing on her cell phone in the middle of a movie theater. No, I'm the asshole that is going to tell you when you are being an entitled c**t. See, I'm not one that generally just thinks I (or anyone else) just "deserves" anything I want because I want it - or that getting what I want autmomatically will make me a "happier person."

I'm not a very "happy" person. This isn't to say I don't experience happy thoughts, have experiences that bring a sense of bliss (a puppy rolling around in the grass is enough to bring a tear of joy to my eye) or lack gratitude. But I am honest about the fact that I also have days when my attitude sucks, I am sad about things, or am jealous of someone. Because feelings are impermanent.

I think too many people TRY too hard to be "happy" and "joy joy" and display this false image of a perfectly "happy life." And when people aren't being narcissistic fuckheads trying to PROVE how happy they are all the time, or achieve this unrealistic "permanent" state of bliss, they are either telling everyone else how to feel via some social media outlet accompanied by an inspirational quote by Ghandi or Buddha. I'm an asshole because I smile on the outside and go, "Oh, how nice for you," but on the inside I'm wondering how many dicks would fit in your mouth to shut you up.

Well, cross-stitch this motherfucker on a pillow - "Life can be shit and you can't always Febreeze-quote the stink away." We won't always get a do-over on everything, so if you need a do-over today, fucking DO it. Don't just quote something profound someone else said and keep doing the same bullshit things.

I don't know when this started (could be the cancer) - but I hate inspirational quotes now. HATE them. Hate them to the point that my inner asshole has started responding to these outwardly with an eye roll and reply that is usually a rap lyric that makes no sense in the context of the conversation.

"We have to BE the change we want to see in the world!"
"I know, right? Money, hoes, and clothes..."

Quotes don't do anything for me anymore - at least not the over-used "inspirational" variety. They don't make me feel better. Actually DOING things is what does it for me. And not necassrily trying to rush from one joy-inducing experience to the next to prove to everyone that I have a great life. Sometimes sleep does it for me. I feel most happy these days when I've woken up actually feeling RESTED. Do I need to take a selfie of that and share it with the world? I think not. All this crap people share just seems like a bunch of shenanigans to me.

Okay, I just needed to get that off my chest. Sometimes people who are dealing with difficult things (that maybe you don't think are difficult compared to your own difficult things) need something more than a quote you googled once to feel better. Like maybe a real conversation and a cup of coffee? And by real conversation I mean about something like Tom Hardy and puppies, or are man-buns really okay or not?

Are they??? I just don't know.


belgianknifefight: (Default)

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