I was wondering if/when I would eventually snap - I was rolling along in a pretty decent state for a good chunk of time there it seems pretty silly to think I could handle much more and be able to keep my happy face on about a certain topic.
In order to "live my truth" or "do me," I really need, for my own sanity, to come out of the closet on something - I am kind of an asshole. It's time to fess up about the kind of asshole I am - not the kind that cuts you off in traffic like I got my license from the Stevie Wonder School for Road Safety, or that bitch gabbing on her cell phone in the middle of a movie theater. No, I'm the asshole that is going to tell you when you are being an entitled c**t. See, I'm not one that generally just thinks I (or anyone else) just "deserves" anything I want because I want it - or that getting what I want autmomatically will make me a "happier person."
I'm not a very "happy" person. This isn't to say I don't experience happy thoughts, have experiences that bring a sense of bliss (a puppy rolling around in the grass is enough to bring a tear of joy to my eye) or lack gratitude. But I am honest about the fact that I also have days when my attitude sucks, I am sad about things, or am jealous of someone. Because feelings are impermanent.
I think too many people TRY too hard to be "happy" and "joy joy" and display this false image of a perfectly "happy life." And when people aren't being narcissistic fuckheads trying to PROVE how happy they are all the time, or achieve this unrealistic "permanent" state of bliss, they are either telling everyone else how to feel via some social media outlet accompanied by an inspirational quote by Ghandi or Buddha. I'm an asshole because I smile on the outside and go, "Oh, how nice for you," but on the inside I'm wondering how many dicks would fit in your mouth to shut you up.
Well, cross-stitch this motherfucker on a pillow - "Life can be shit and you can't always Febreeze-quote the stink away." We won't always get a do-over on everything, so if you need a do-over today, fucking DO it. Don't just quote something profound someone else said and keep doing the same bullshit things.
I don't know when this started (could be the cancer) - but I hate inspirational quotes now. HATE them. Hate them to the point that my inner asshole has started responding to these outwardly with an eye roll and reply that is usually a rap lyric that makes no sense in the context of the conversation.
"We have to BE the change we want to see in the world!"
"I know, right? Money, hoes, and clothes..."
Quotes don't do anything for me anymore - at least not the over-used "inspirational" variety. They don't make me feel better. Actually DOING things is what does it for me. And not necassrily trying to rush from one joy-inducing experience to the next to prove to everyone that I have a great life. Sometimes sleep does it for me. I feel most happy these days when I've woken up actually feeling RESTED. Do I need to take a selfie of that and share it with the world? I think not. All this crap people share just seems like a bunch of shenanigans to me.
Okay, I just needed to get that off my chest. Sometimes people who are dealing with difficult things (that maybe you don't think are difficult compared to your own difficult things) need something more than a quote you googled once to feel better. Like maybe a real conversation and a cup of coffee? And by real conversation I mean about something like Tom Hardy and puppies, or are man-buns really okay or not?
Are they??? I just don't know.