Sep. 9th, 2017 06:11 am
belgianknifefight: (Default)
So, my dad lives in Indianapolis now (which, by the way, because I'm a nerd for The 100, I refer to it as "Polis" now, and not Indy, because, anyway, "Indy" makes me think of the person Indiana Jones, not my state capital, because nerd).

You may or may not know that it's been a strange year for my family. In 2016, my dad had a liver transplant, I was diagnosed with cancer, dad lost his job and has been living on severence pay for the past 8 months, I've been trying to adjust to the correct dosage of medication that I have to take for the rest of my life, got borderline suicidal there for a bit, all the while working my ass off to the point that I somehow created an extra day during the week.

Well, in the past month, my dad got a job offer in Polis, my parents bought a house down there with a mortgage payment that would be cheaper than rent at a shitty apartment, and today we are going down to clean, paint, and arrange the furniture when it's delivered. I feel like how people must feel when they send a kid away to college; the Fort is still home, none of us are relocating, but yet my dad is living 2 hours away during the week and coming home on the weekends to hang out and do laundry. Oh! But he made a friend his first day at orientation (work!). Actually, not really, it's just the same guy he used to share an office with at the old job. Small world! This guy is cool, though, so I'm glad my dad has a buddy.

As for me? I'm glad to have something physical to do to kind of force me to not think about my job and all the things going on there - not bad things, just SO MANY THINGS. Too much to do for too many people and not enough time, even with an extra 8 hours a week overtime. We are in the process of a strategic merger with another local financial institution (they are merging with us because they haven't had much significant growth over the past few years). That means 30 new employees (the previous mergers we've had over the years were maybe 5 people at a time, tops) who have to learn our culture, systems, and...nuances. LOL. I'm excited, but at the same time, I have about 10 people internally who are transitioning to new jobs/responsibilities/training, and by the way, we are opening a new branch and the corporate office is going through a remodel - all at the same time! *falls over*

Health and mental outlook has improved greatly over the past month or so - to the point where I didn't even notice or experience my 'normal' hormonal mood swings. It's kind of strange to go 4 straight months feeling like death would be better to everything being beautiful and harmonious. I still have a touch of anxiety here and there, but I think it's more work stress than physical side effects. Whatever, I'll take it.

A road trip (Polis is roughly 2 hours from here) calls for a stop at Tim Hortons first.

I hope everyone (everyone? Is anyone even reading this? I don't know. LOL) is doing well. I'm also gearing up for Fall and all the glorious Autumn things and Halloween and visits from the Pumpkin Spice Fairy. But most of all? HOODIE WEATHER. Hallelerrrrrrrr!
belgianknifefight: (Default)
I was wondering if/when I would eventually snap - I was rolling along in a pretty decent state for a good chunk of time there it seems pretty silly to think I could handle much more and be able to keep my happy face on about a certain topic.

In order to "live my truth" or "do me," I really need, for my own sanity, to come out of the closet on something - I am kind of an asshole. It's time to fess up about the kind of asshole I am - not the kind that cuts you off in traffic like I got my license from the Stevie Wonder School for Road Safety, or that bitch gabbing on her cell phone in the middle of a movie theater. No, I'm the asshole that is going to tell you when you are being an entitled c**t. See, I'm not one that generally just thinks I (or anyone else) just "deserves" anything I want because I want it - or that getting what I want autmomatically will make me a "happier person."

I'm not a very "happy" person. This isn't to say I don't experience happy thoughts, have experiences that bring a sense of bliss (a puppy rolling around in the grass is enough to bring a tear of joy to my eye) or lack gratitude. But I am honest about the fact that I also have days when my attitude sucks, I am sad about things, or am jealous of someone. Because feelings are impermanent.

I think too many people TRY too hard to be "happy" and "joy joy" and display this false image of a perfectly "happy life." And when people aren't being narcissistic fuckheads trying to PROVE how happy they are all the time, or achieve this unrealistic "permanent" state of bliss, they are either telling everyone else how to feel via some social media outlet accompanied by an inspirational quote by Ghandi or Buddha. I'm an asshole because I smile on the outside and go, "Oh, how nice for you," but on the inside I'm wondering how many dicks would fit in your mouth to shut you up.

Well, cross-stitch this motherfucker on a pillow - "Life can be shit and you can't always Febreeze-quote the stink away." We won't always get a do-over on everything, so if you need a do-over today, fucking DO it. Don't just quote something profound someone else said and keep doing the same bullshit things.

I don't know when this started (could be the cancer) - but I hate inspirational quotes now. HATE them. Hate them to the point that my inner asshole has started responding to these outwardly with an eye roll and reply that is usually a rap lyric that makes no sense in the context of the conversation.

"We have to BE the change we want to see in the world!"
"I know, right? Money, hoes, and clothes..."

Quotes don't do anything for me anymore - at least not the over-used "inspirational" variety. They don't make me feel better. Actually DOING things is what does it for me. And not necassrily trying to rush from one joy-inducing experience to the next to prove to everyone that I have a great life. Sometimes sleep does it for me. I feel most happy these days when I've woken up actually feeling RESTED. Do I need to take a selfie of that and share it with the world? I think not. All this crap people share just seems like a bunch of shenanigans to me.

Okay, I just needed to get that off my chest. Sometimes people who are dealing with difficult things (that maybe you don't think are difficult compared to your own difficult things) need something more than a quote you googled once to feel better. Like maybe a real conversation and a cup of coffee? And by real conversation I mean about something like Tom Hardy and puppies, or are man-buns really okay or not?

Are they??? I just don't know.


belgianknifefight: (Default)

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